Day 19: Nothing to do with looking good. (warning: not a funny blog post)

Day 19: Nothing to do with looking good. (warning: not a funny blog post)

 I wish I could say that the bounce back from losing my mojo had me at a 10 today but it didnt. Instead I was a 2. I was in 2 in looks, a 2 in personality, a 2 in job performance (true story, I accidentally almost wired $30K to the wrong destination!) woops.

 So last night after submitting my post- a friend said "you saw NWG? but I thought he was dating that girl." According to fbook it looks like he is dating someone.  I hadn't looked at his fb in a loooonngg time, partly because it was unhelpful and partly because I am a self absorbed facebooker- and spend most of my time looking at myself.  :) But she said that only 2 weeks ago he had taken a picture with this girl, a girl it looked like he had been dating for a while. I had thought they broke up a while ago because he had actually been direct messaging me on twitter with flirtatious comments for a bout a month.....(while he was dating her apparently).

So I  sent him a message last night asking if he was still dating her:  and he never responded. And the crazy started to bubble up.......
You are probably thinking-- big deal, you went to lunch and he texted you......it doesnt mean anything.

 Let me put this in context for you.
 He didnt just text me this weekend and his original plan was not for us to go to lunch. This was his original plan.

and then this.....

And ya- it seems like a booty call and like he is using me, but there is also a lot of this...

How could I not fall in love with him all over again. He was sweet, had great communication skills (even though they were in stupid text messages), he was being affectionate, and aggressive. 

I know we are all thinking....I cannot believe you are posting this online for everyone to see.  He did  used to hate when i showed anything he sent me to someone else and now I am showing all of you.

And this is why......

I woke up after 3 hours of sleep to more anxiety about the answer to this question. And naturally he responds by yelling at me for making him go over on texts. Sidenote: this guy works for google, makes 6 figures, just got promoted at work, and the guy cannot get unlimited text.  I wish there was a roll my eyes icon  And what do I get:

                                                   

(Ignore the "It's my voice num")

                                                   

WTF Just happened?! OMG.

He texted me because the girl he was dating hasn't talked to him in a while, his friends got engaged, his brother just got married,  his roommate is in a happy relationship, and he is having a midlife crisis because he is balding,............. awesome. Way to shit on me in the process.

It is times like these that I am grateful that I have a blog, and I have on average 250 loyal readers. Which means that is 250 people that can text his phone number and blow it up so that it gets more  text messages: and charges him. But I have removed the phone number because a day later I am over it, plus I dont know if there is any legal issues involved in putting up someones phone number. Boo, Can't let the government hold me down!.....but I just did.

So how did I do today? 

I was a mess.  On the upside: I was so sad that I didn't eat. Unfortunately, I know that this will be short lived and I will go back to eating tomorrow.  Ugh, why can't just be a comfort starver!

Also, I was a mess until I decided that I would make this into a blog post. Damn, I love this blog. I love this blog! I love this blog!!!!!!

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I  did warn everyone already that I have crazy tendencies. And maybe this is taking it a little too far, but, I also need people to see that there is a reason that I went to lunch on Sunday. There is a reason that even after a year I am still talking to him. 

Oh well,  glad that you guys got to share in this moment with me. 

Promise the blogs will go back to fun and funny tomorrow. 

Just wanted to keep you up to speed on what is happening...... <3

Days 16-18: Hump Day: Letting Myself Go

Days 16-18: Hump Day: Letting Myself Go

  People have been pointing out that I am slacking on my blog. I have been updating days instead of daily.  I could probably lie and say its because I am busy but that is not true.....The truth is that I am losing my mojo.
 I was doing great. Feeling good. Looking good.  Loving myself.
Actually during the weekend I thought I would write a post about how much I love myself. How this project has helped me get rid of any ex-bf feeling residual and men in general because I have started loving myself so much: feeling like I am the shit and I can do anything! I was on top of the world!!!

Ugh but then it happened.......IIIITTTTTT HAPPPEENNNNEEDDDDDD.
...............I dont even want to say it out loud, out of fear that he might hear me..............


I was out with friends looking good, having fun, enjoying myself, being the f-ing 10 that I am!...... and then.....Ugh.
 NWG texted me. UGGGHHHHHHHH. ALLLLL that work that I put into my project and my life, went down the fucking toilet.  JJJEESSSUUUSSS,, WHYYY!??!?!?!??!?!! *(reference to the questions and comments at the end of Days 13-15)

And I went from this.....

to this......

                    
Eating away my problems.....regressing into a the depths of despair.
Ok that is not true....honestly it was just probably all the alcohol I drank that made chicken wings look so delicious.....and after those 2000 calorie chicken wings, I have been living like there is no hope for me.

Well....except on Sunday when I had lunch with NWG. ( I know! why did I have lunch with him! ) After that I felt like I was back at month 1.....no. maybe month 6 of post breakup. And I was so disappointed in myself that I felt unworthy to be a 10.... I felt unworthy to be doing this project and having a blog following who supports me and encourages me daily.

So I started looking like a 4 on purpose:

I gave up on my outfit, didn't wear makeup, wore crocs, and put on my fat-days vest.

I rebelled against the project and myself. And since he very vaguely suggested that we see each other this weekend, I knew that what "post 6 month breakup Julianna" would have done is spend the next week preparing for the "date". The date that was never confirmed. The date that most likely won't happen. My preparation would usually involve: eating ONLY fruits and vegetables (to maximize my weight loss), drinking a shit ton of water (to ensure that I had clear skin for the date,  and exfoliating the shit out of my body (just in case he touched any part of it).

But after last night when I chose to wear my period underwear when I wasn't on my period,   had three new pimples on my chin and had eaten whole bag of the Grandma Iced Oatmeal cookies for dinner, I knew it was time to stop the slump and get my shit together.

So I took a shower even though I had already taken one. I washed my hair, exfoliated the shit out of my body, lotioned everything,  put pimple cream on my face, wore my sluttiest underwear, and resolved to finish my 30 days strong!

I also said yes to plans for this weekend because I am not going to sit around and wait for him to realize that I am the best thing that could happen to his weekend. So while he is sitting at home masturbating to google.com (where he works and my biggest competition for his attention), I am going to be out looking like a 10!

So this was me today: 

Crocs or no crocs, I am hot. 

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Questions and comments

  

     Earlier this week I received  a comment off of my post "In Defense of the Crazy" that said that I should go on a dating fast and use this time to 

work on my relationship with Jesus. My response to that:

1. I have gone on dating fasts twice in my life and even fasted from having friendships with men for a while. They were both the STUPIDEST THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE. If I could go back in time I would hit my Intervarsity staff for encouraging me to do this. And I want to hit myself for telling students to do this while I was on staff. Because I fasted from dating so long, I have now become a dating whore, trying to make up for lost time. And since I only really started dating when I was 24, I missed pivotal maturing opportunities through relationships. Also, having inter-gender relationships is highly HIGHLY necessary to be a well rounded individual, and understand the opposite sex. 

2.  If you start an email with I have only talked to you once and/or haven't talked to you in a long time then it is probably not a good idea to use a blog as a gauge on how someone's relationship with Jesus is doing. But thanks for your concern.

Days 13-15: In Defense of the Crazy

Days 13-15: In Defense of the Crazy

  There is nothing more unattractive than someone that is crazy. And I am not talking about the diagnosed clinically crazy....I am talking about a slash your tires; post inappropriate comments on fbook walls;  yell at you for not texting; yell at you for not remembering bdays or anniversaries; post hot pictures of yourself to make someone jealous; have DTRs on the first date; repeatedly call or message your your ex/crush even though they dont give you the time of day; delete someone's number only to memorize it; and put their email/number into a telemarketer database -CRAZY!
 I fortunately don't fall under all of those......I only fall under 7/8 of them, but that is only because I don't know where his car is and never have a knife with me when I see it. I have also considered the fact that this is illegal but after speaking with a police officer found out it is only a misdemeanor and with the consequences of a fine......if you get caught.... :)   (WELL WORTH THE MONEY!)

Hello, I am Julianna and I am crazy.

I am aware of my crazy antics when I do them. Sometimes I do them on purpose and sometimes I have outer body experiences where my mind says "stop doing this" but I keep doing it, and then sometimes I have absolutely no idea I am doing it until I look back and can't believe what I did.

ON PURPOSE CRAZY:
Recently, I was dating someone and got bored so I wanted to start drama. I sent them a text message asking how many people he had slept with since he met me. He responded with "You are crazy for asking that question". I resent the question and he said "you are not allowed to ask that question, since we are not sleeping together." Normal person would get mad at the vagueness of his response. I was mad because I found even fighting with him boring, so I never responded and stopped talking to him all together.

SEMI SUBCONSCIOUSLY CRAZY:
I recently went on a date with someone I met on match.com. He was probably my favorite person I "dated" (it was 2 dates, can't really be categorized as "dating"). He loved Jesus, he was cute, he was into issues of social justice, he was kinda weird,.....I really felt like he was pppoootteeennttiaalll. So what did I do, In my mind I blew up our "date" into a "relationship". He went a couple days without calling after date 1 so when he did email me I yelled at him.  And when he didn't ask for another date after that I asked him out on one, and then I proceeded to have a DTR with him on the date. But since I was conscious that I was being crazy, I was almost hyperventilating while doing it.....but I couldn't get out of the verbal vomit that was pouring out of my mouth.  I may have emailed or texted him after this but he never really responded to me and when he would, it would take a really long time to respond....which created a lot more inward and outward craziness. Finally I coyley asked him out on facebook thinking the public-ness of it might downplay my feelings. Nope- it just gave him a reason to blatantly and publicly IGNORE ME! ugh!
I have henceforth decided that I am no longer fit to date and have put myself on a dating time-out.

JUST PLAIN CRAZY:
My family, friends, and ex bf would attest to the fact that I can be a little emotional and overly dramatic.  ....causing me to do crazy things; I moved to LA for a year, when I was having a quarter life crisis; I emailed, texted, or invited my ex boyfriend to do things with me when we were broken up and not dating anymore. And I would continue to do this even if when he kept saying No.  The facts said he wasn't interested, but I was determined to prove the facts wrong;  on a positive because I was determined to come to SF to be around him- I ended up applying to grad school which is how I am in grad school/ SF now;

There might be no defense that can makeup for what I have said and done. And I agree----its crazy. But I am not alone. I have seen countless women become "crazy" and surprisingly I have seen plenty of men go "crazy" too.  Because I know what it is like to be crazy- when I am a cause or the receiver of craziness, I find it completely flattering. It means that you have the power to drive someone crazy.

While I am self deprecating and generalizing "women", I also must generalize men. True: Women are crazy  but men are  stupid. Men,  it is easy to make women non-crazy: DONT BE STUPID.

What lead me to be crazy with #2 was that while I saw potential in him, I also saw hints of "stupidity". And since my ex bf became stupid in the later half of our relationship- I was scared that #2 was going to become stupid too. I didn't want to deal with it, so I tried to prevent it or "control it". Bad Strategy.

My fear of stupid men has not only categorized me as "Crazy" but also "BITCH", (which is interestingly enough- really attractive to men.) Yep, I know men have met the "BITCH". They girl they meet somewhere who gives the cold shoulder,  insults them, yells at them, or uses them. It is only because of the assholes that women have met, and if you do anything to remind them of said "asshole" then we/I will go "Bitch" on you.

This is my favorite diagram which I think accurately and beautifully reflects what I mean.

This conversation is not over.....I just don't want to give all my secrets away in one post.

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Questions and comments:

   I have finally started practicing being sane. My sanity has allowed me to keep it together, and create space between me and the recipients of my craziness.  As a result, some ex-recipients of my craziness have recently gone crazy on me.....Hooyah! I win!

Day 12: Do I have something in my teeth? " The Check-Up"

Day 12: Do I have something in my teeth? "The check up"

 
  I am not sure what to call it but when I say the "Check up" I am referring to the break that you take from whatever you are doing to "check up" on yourself. To make sure you don't have something in your teeth, your outfit hasn't gone sideways, you dont have any boogers hanging out of anywhere, your armpits don't smell like hamburger, etc.

When I was in middle school and high school I was an avid- check-uper. I used to have code phrases or hand gestures with my friends that meant "do I have a booger?" or "do I look okay?". Even now in my old age mostly everytime I go out there is a conversation that go something like this.

me: OMG I am so fat in this dress. Ok. if you see anything hanging out- you need to tell me.
friend: I am not just going to say it. we need a code for this....
me: Ok if you say  (insert really bad indiscrete question) that means "suck it in, bitch".

Good for going out, but somehow in my day to day. I forget to check up on myself. I can go all day without going to the bathroom and I can easily leave the house without looking at myself in the mirror. (this was actually more the case before this project).  But even now, despite the fact that I am looking aammmaazziinnngg, I should still be checking in....

For the past couple days I have been planning on updating my passport, which means I need a new passport picture. (Thank God, because my old passport picture is hoorrirrrrblllyyy ugly).
Because my passport is horribly ugly, I am super anal about the picture I am goign to take for my next passport. I went to walgreens yesterday and I made the lady take at least 8 pictures of me, and i wasn't happy with any of them:

Those 4 corners are me....if you scroll down you will see more of me.

Since I didnt like any of them. I decided I would try harder today to look good and went back. I put on a ton more makeup then I usually do. It was also a double wammy because I was suppose to give a presentation in class, and because i am a bad presenter I thought I could compensate by looking hott. (for the record. This is awful logic and didn't really help my presentation.)
So I went back to walgreens today and I made her take a ton more pictures, and then I asked strangers for there opinion. They picked this one:

They better have made a good choice because passports take forever to expire and I dont want to be stuck with an ugly one for the rest of my life!!!!!

My current one has scarred me. It might be one of the reasons I dont travel that much because I am embarrassed to take it out. 

So i was looking nice. Makeup looking good. Feeling good about myself.  And I go to the bathroom, and look at myself and think hey not bad, I look good:

But wait....what is this?!?!?!!

FML. My oily ass face is causing my makeup to run and get all over the place.

How long have I been walking around like this? and who let me?!?!! ugh. I hate people.

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Questions and comments:

 Because we are all amongst friends now. Here is my current passport picture.

I know.....I look like a boy. 

Day 10 and 11: The multifunctional gym

Hello, Are you my new to my blog. I noticed that you have been going through all of them. I just thought I would pop into the next one you will read and say hi! Thanks for reading!! :)

Day 10 and 11:

 I have what I call....a naturally fat body. My body just wants to be fat: I crave food I shouldn't eat. I am constantly hungry. I am only satisfied when it hurts. I have a bum knee that bitches every time I even walk up the stairs. I run at the pace the treadmill says is brisk walking.....Like I said, My body wants to be fat.  And I am constantly fighting with my body to keep it from getting there. That is One of the reasons I go to the gym.

Reason #2:  In recent years I have become really restless, to the point of wanting to be violent. (this is arguably a symptom of sexual frustration.....i agree with the argument.)
 In response, I tried every class known to a gym and  found Combat Cardio, where I can hit the shit out of nothing......but pretend that I am hitting the shit out of everything.

Reason #3: Going to the gym 4-5 times a week, means that I see the same people 4-5 times a week.  And always make friends at the gym.

 I usually like having friends that are paid to be my friend because then I don't feel bad about asking them for things. Like taking my picture:

Reason #4: It gives me a reason to be slutty. Yes, you can be slutty at the gym.  Gym clothes are tight, revealing, and if you work out right then you are sweaty doing it...which is the icing on any slutty outfit.  

Reason #5: Endorphines. I have taken vitamins, supplements, eaten a lot of kale, etc. but nothing gets me as energized and happy as going to the gym...... except coffee.  When I feel fit, thin, and healthy....I am a better person. When I feel ugly and fat I am grouchy. Going to the gym is more about feeling good then looking good. Although looking good affects how I feel.

This is me high on coffee after work...So excited to go to the gym:

This is me high off the elliptical:

Reason #6. Sometimes my motivation is also my achilles heel. 

The mat: the place where I do my stretches, crunches, daydreaming.............and look at this:

and this....

and this....

:)

And not only did I leave the gym with a hot body and a good attitude....i left with this:

A Phone number!!!! (Actually, its an email. why an email? because I didnt want his phone number.....actually I didnt want anything from a guy that won't ask for mine but instead gives me his information. Fucking pansies!)

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Questions and comments:

   There is absolutely no motivation in going to the gym for men. Why? because for some reason all the men in the gym are married. I dont know what it is, but I think men use the gym as an excuse to get away from their wives. Psh. Not my husband! I am going to be giving my husband such a workout he won't even NEED or WANT to go the gym. ;) #myhusbandisgoingtobeoneluckymotherfucker!

Day 9: Vagina Monologues

Day 9: Vagina Monologues

 Today I got my period (and this is when the men stop reading. ) What this means is that I ruined a pair of underwear, cried at work, yelled at a homeless man, defriended a ton of people on facebook, cried at the gym, ate an entire bottle of midol, missed my parents, ate a box of chocolates, thought I looked fat, cried because I have no friends, blamed it on being fat, cried because I have no boyfriend, blamed it on being fat and crying too much, cried because my vagina hurts and cried because that is the most my vagina has felt in a long time. It is really hard being a woman!

A wise man once said: "If men need to practice self control and keep it in their pants, then women need to practice self control and keep it together." -BZ


In regards to my 30 day challenge....Isn't it really hard to look good when you feel like crap?
NO! Even my ugly looks good!


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Questions and Comments:

The only picture that would be appropriate for this.

Day 8: For the 22 year old me.

Day 8: For the 22 year old me

I am so glad I am doing this project, if I wasn't I would have totally let the 22 year old version of me down. I ran into my 22 year old self's "love of my life" and for this entry I will affectionately call him "freakishly tall" or FT.
FT was my college crush. No....FT was my college LOVE (except he didnt love me back.....story of my life.) I loved him for 4 years. From the first time I saw him my freshman year in the college cafeteria- to my senior year when he had already graduated the year before. The memory of FT still lived on. He was tall, good looking, loved Jesus, smart, mysterious (didn't talk a lot), and the cream on the icing is that every girl wanted him).

I ran into FT on Sunday, at church (go figure). The 18-22 year old me had probably dreamed of that moment everyday of her college life  and here I was living it out. And the 22 year old me is SOOOO GLAD  I am doing the this project and did not look like total shit.  I wore real clothes (not the gym clothes which I typically like to wear on Sundays (even if I dont go to the gym)); I did my hair the night before for a Halloween party; and I wore just enough makeup to make me look good but not trashy.  FT, eat your heart out!!!
Of course......26 year old me was excited for 22 year old me, but  26 year old me was...... not interested.
Sorry, FT.
Maybe it was his  girlfriend of 3 years that was sitting next to him which left him unappealing (even though that probably was not it. Because I am not above being a total home wrecker.) But maybe I just realized that I am different and 26 year old me just doesn't want that anymore. Sure he still looks like Paul Walker, is probably good at everything he does, loves Jesus, is smarter and he probably talks more now but.... "eh".... I dont know. "eh".

Point is......26 year old me fell in love last year with someone I will affectionately call "Nerdy White Guy". Even then I knew what I wanted and NWG wasn't it.  I know 29 year old me will thank 26 year old me for putting up with a broken heart for the past year so that I don't have to wake up one morning and be married to someone and go "eh".

This is one of my favorite pics of me and FT. It was one of our "proms". 

(If anyone tells him there is a blog entry written about him......well....he should take it as a compliment. FT, Your welcome.)

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Questions and Comments

NWG does not have access to my blogs even though we are fbook friends.
Facebook, thank you for having very specific privacy settings.


FT does not have facebook....... or maybe he does and he has defriended me.