Days 13-15: In Defense of the Crazy

Days 13-15: In Defense of the Crazy

  There is nothing more unattractive than someone that is crazy. And I am not talking about the diagnosed clinically crazy....I am talking about a slash your tires; post inappropriate comments on fbook walls;  yell at you for not texting; yell at you for not remembering bdays or anniversaries; post hot pictures of yourself to make someone jealous; have DTRs on the first date; repeatedly call or message your your ex/crush even though they dont give you the time of day; delete someone's number only to memorize it; and put their email/number into a telemarketer database -CRAZY!
 I fortunately don't fall under all of those......I only fall under 7/8 of them, but that is only because I don't know where his car is and never have a knife with me when I see it. I have also considered the fact that this is illegal but after speaking with a police officer found out it is only a misdemeanor and with the consequences of a fine......if you get caught.... :)   (WELL WORTH THE MONEY!)

Hello, I am Julianna and I am crazy.

I am aware of my crazy antics when I do them. Sometimes I do them on purpose and sometimes I have outer body experiences where my mind says "stop doing this" but I keep doing it, and then sometimes I have absolutely no idea I am doing it until I look back and can't believe what I did.

ON PURPOSE CRAZY:
Recently, I was dating someone and got bored so I wanted to start drama. I sent them a text message asking how many people he had slept with since he met me. He responded with "You are crazy for asking that question". I resent the question and he said "you are not allowed to ask that question, since we are not sleeping together." Normal person would get mad at the vagueness of his response. I was mad because I found even fighting with him boring, so I never responded and stopped talking to him all together.

SEMI SUBCONSCIOUSLY CRAZY:
I recently went on a date with someone I met on match.com. He was probably my favorite person I "dated" (it was 2 dates, can't really be categorized as "dating"). He loved Jesus, he was cute, he was into issues of social justice, he was kinda weird,.....I really felt like he was pppoootteeennttiaalll. So what did I do, In my mind I blew up our "date" into a "relationship". He went a couple days without calling after date 1 so when he did email me I yelled at him.  And when he didn't ask for another date after that I asked him out on one, and then I proceeded to have a DTR with him on the date. But since I was conscious that I was being crazy, I was almost hyperventilating while doing it.....but I couldn't get out of the verbal vomit that was pouring out of my mouth.  I may have emailed or texted him after this but he never really responded to me and when he would, it would take a really long time to respond....which created a lot more inward and outward craziness. Finally I coyley asked him out on facebook thinking the public-ness of it might downplay my feelings. Nope- it just gave him a reason to blatantly and publicly IGNORE ME! ugh!
I have henceforth decided that I am no longer fit to date and have put myself on a dating time-out.

JUST PLAIN CRAZY:
My family, friends, and ex bf would attest to the fact that I can be a little emotional and overly dramatic.  ....causing me to do crazy things; I moved to LA for a year, when I was having a quarter life crisis; I emailed, texted, or invited my ex boyfriend to do things with me when we were broken up and not dating anymore. And I would continue to do this even if when he kept saying No.  The facts said he wasn't interested, but I was determined to prove the facts wrong;  on a positive because I was determined to come to SF to be around him- I ended up applying to grad school which is how I am in grad school/ SF now;

There might be no defense that can makeup for what I have said and done. And I agree----its crazy. But I am not alone. I have seen countless women become "crazy" and surprisingly I have seen plenty of men go "crazy" too.  Because I know what it is like to be crazy- when I am a cause or the receiver of craziness, I find it completely flattering. It means that you have the power to drive someone crazy.

While I am self deprecating and generalizing "women", I also must generalize men. True: Women are crazy  but men are  stupid. Men,  it is easy to make women non-crazy: DONT BE STUPID.

What lead me to be crazy with #2 was that while I saw potential in him, I also saw hints of "stupidity". And since my ex bf became stupid in the later half of our relationship- I was scared that #2 was going to become stupid too. I didn't want to deal with it, so I tried to prevent it or "control it". Bad Strategy.

My fear of stupid men has not only categorized me as "Crazy" but also "BITCH", (which is interestingly enough- really attractive to men.) Yep, I know men have met the "BITCH". They girl they meet somewhere who gives the cold shoulder,  insults them, yells at them, or uses them. It is only because of the assholes that women have met, and if you do anything to remind them of said "asshole" then we/I will go "Bitch" on you.

This is my favorite diagram which I think accurately and beautifully reflects what I mean.

This conversation is not over.....I just don't want to give all my secrets away in one post.

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Questions and comments:

   I have finally started practicing being sane. My sanity has allowed me to keep it together, and create space between me and the recipients of my craziness.  As a result, some ex-recipients of my craziness have recently gone crazy on me.....Hooyah! I win!