Day 30: Only the beginning

Day 30:  Only the beginnings

30 days might be over but it is only the beginning. I wanted to be a better me and honestly, I am better than I was before I started the 30 day challenge. Even with my down days:

                          

          

 These are not good looks for me.



And then some things that I learned that have had profound impact on my life:

1. Heartache, embarrassment, insecurities, and failure are a part of life. We all experience it and we all survive it. I have been so blessed and encouraged by the stories that everyone has shared with me: Stories of breakups, disappointments, and even crazier antics that are so over the top they put mine to shame.

2. (I knew this before, but it has been solidified by this project) The Crazy women are the hott women! We (yes, I am included) WE are crazy because we know we are hott. Every man, women, child and animal should feel honored to be in our presence. We are used to be hooted and hollared everywhere we go. We have men try to pick us up all the time, so when our signifcant others or interests  do not do the same, it confuses the shit out of us and makes us mad because we think "DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I AM HOTT AND COULD GET ANY GUY I WANT. YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO BE WITH ME, YOU BETTER THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS THAT I AM REMOTELY ATTRACTED TO YOU." So fellas, if you want a girl that is normal and not crazy then you better be okay with dating someone ugly.

Warning: Hot girls are Crazy Girls.

3. I still do not understand what is so hard for men about responding to a fucking text message, texting us in the middle of the day just to say hi, or responding to a G- damn email. I don't get it. LOOOORRRRD, HAVE MERCY! (Even though I don't understand this, at least I can now acknowledge that this is a male issue around the board.)

4. Adulthood has made me boring. A. look at what I am wearing, I look like this everyday at work.
Young, fun, inappropriate Julianna has been replaced with this boring, think before she speaks, business casual Julianna.

B. I am so boring that when I chose the color to paint for my room, I chose beige. And when I went to the hardware store to get it, I panicked and ended up picking OFF WHITE because beige was toooo crazy!!!! Ugh. So boring!!! 

5. Even though the project was suppose to help me get over my ex, what really did it was talking to him....well more like flat out asking him if there was anything between us and him finally saying that we were "incompatible". I think if that convo had never happened I would still be in "maybe" land. And now I am in "its over" land,  on a direct course to "sexy men" land. And WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE IN SEXY MEN LAND!?!

6.

                                     

This is my desk at work.  I remember right after I broke up with NWG I took St. John's Wort which is a positive mood enhancer. And that.....DIDNT DO SHIT! Recently I started taking B vitamin because apparently gives you energy and happy feelings (no. it doesn't) and then someone told me to take Naicin which is a drug for cholesterol that contains a lot of vitamin B, which should make you feel tingly and bla bla bla (no it doesn't). And then there is the women's daily vitamin which I really only started taking because it was buy one get one free. And.....my dad taught me to never miss an opportunity to buy large quantities at low prices. :) #DadsthatlikeCostco

7. Don't ever be afraid to tell someone to take a picture over and over again. Pictures last a life time, especially passports.

have I mentioned how much I love my roommates and coworkers for taking so many pictures of me until I was happy with them.

                

                                              

Taking pictures with ice cream push carts: Take 1..... fail....Take 2.

8. I love my young 23 year old friends, because they haven't been tainted and hardened by the working world and the pressures of society. They still have the youthful college idealistic vision, that I have lost over the course of my 4 years out of college. And honestly....I am not old enough to be that cynical and pessimistic and give up that easily on my dreams of a perfect life. 

FYI-- it is impossible to look attractive while hiking......although we made the impossible...possible! :)

9. Some things are not worth the effort (for me anyways..Laurie, I think if its worth it to you, continue manicuring and pedicuring, but I can't).  I think I will stick to my bigger issues, because getting my nails done only leads to more problems.....especially when I wear glittery nail polish.

                                                      









10. It all comes down to confidence. Being a 10, gave me confidence I needed to do things I otherwise felt insecure about doing.

Hitting on a younger guy. 

And because I want to continue being confident and feel like there is so much that I haven't done with my new found and continuing to grow confidence....I am not done with blogging. 

So this might be the end of "30 Days OF a better me....TO a better me" (which btw I really didn't think this blog would amount to anything, or else I would have picked a better name), but now

I am ready to start a new blog, with new stories, and new personal developments: 

"Tales of a Ten". 

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QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS

It was definitely hard to do 30 days straight, because some days there was nothing to say. That is why I am excited about "Tales of a Ten". I still have the accountability and motivation to try to be a 10- be confident in myself etc, without forcing what was not there. 

Something I hope to include in "Tales of a Ten" are stories of people trying to be 10's and interesting/funny stories of their experiences and what they have learned.....so please send your stories my way.

Day 29: For my mom

Day 29: For my mom

    I recently spoke to my mom and she asked how my blog was. I was surprised she wasn't following it. When I asked why, she said it was because Day 19 (The text message post) made her cry and she didn't want to cry anymore, so she stopped reading. She also said that I sound angry.....WHICH IS NOT TRUE!  >:( I AM NOT ANGRY!!! .....JK. (Seriously, I am not angry.) But It did make me a little mad that what happened made my mom cry. I mean...IIIII haven't even cried since Day 19, but if what happened made my mom cry......then THIS SHIT IS ON! No mother fucker makes my mom cry!!!(Although I do have to acknowledge that everything makes my mom cry and it really isn't saying much when something makes her cry.)
  So I wanted to write  a blog for my mom and for everyone that has ever had someone TAKE A GIANT SMELLY DISGUSTING DUMP ON YOUR LIFE!

What it feels like to have your heart broken:
1. It feels like you have a baby stuck in your throat, but that baby is a lump of "cry" that will not go away, and you suppress this cry because if you let it come up it will never stop and you and everyone around you will be at risk of drowning in a pool of your tears.
2. It feels like you are stuck to to everything you lay on: your bed, the living room floor, the bathroom floor, the kitchen floor, the floor of a party you went to thinking it would make you feel better. You are completely paralyzed and it feel like moving any muscle might make this awful nightmare real and to avoid this you rather never move again. (nyquil, melatonin, and tylenol PM have now become your best friend).
3.It feel like every electronic device you own has now become an extension of yourself, and you have to be connected or next to all of these items and if you are not then you might miss the phone call, text message, or email that they might send you.....but they never do.
4. It feel like you are reliving your relationship over again because you have somehow remembered everything that has ever happened over the course of your relationship and now you have to scrutinize every detail for signs that it was going badly, they were losing interest, or worst you were doing something that HAD YOU NOT DONE THEY WOULD STILL LOVE YOU!
5.It feels like you rather have been shot, stabbed, machete-ed, run over by a bus, had your insides eaten by rats, and left to rot because at least then your death would be a lot quicker then the even slower death of a broken heart.
6. It feels like someone that you loved and would have given everything for, has treated you like a piece of a trash that is easily disposable. They wiped their ass with you and threw you in the garbage.
7. It feels like you want everyday to rain, you want everyday to be cloudy, and you want everyone to be unhappy all the time, because those happy mother fuckers are the most annoying people in the world and should shove themselves far up your asshole.
8. And don't even think about dating someone else because they will forever be NOT YOUR EX. It doesn't matter how amazing the next person will be, the point is they are not your ex. There is no reason to move on.

Getting over someone feels like:
1. You have been overdrafting in your bank account and have accumulated thousands of dollars in credit card changes and you just won the lottery!
2. The first time you ate meat after being a vegeterian for a long time And it is not just any meat, this meat has been cooked by Emeril himself; marinated for a couple hours and paired with a delicious red wine from 1918. ( i really have no idea what i am talking about...)
3.  It feels like coffee when you are sooo tired. And the barista has put crack in your coffee and now you are so excited and energized that you never want to sleep again.
4. It feels like Justin Timberlake just ran into you and decided that he made a huge mistake marrying Jessica Biel and you are the woman of his dreams.
5.  It feels like someone finally took the baby out of your throat
6.  It feel like you are surprised everytime you run into their name in your phone, emails, or facebook. You are mostly surprised because you just went X amt of time without thinking of them and any amount of time is worth celebrating. You also find it incredibally annoying that Facebook continues to show them in your "friends" box or "mutual friends" box even though you have removed them from your newsfeed and privitized your profile to them.
7. It feels like you are much more excited to write a blog and post it on Facebook,  and have them on a privacy filter on facebook and blocked on twitter than to have them be able to access your page and see how hot you look.
8. It feels like you can finally go on a date and not feel like you are just trying to replace them or fill the void in your life.
9. It feels like you can look back on the relationship and think "I was young and stupid."
10. It feels like you are happy that you didn't do EVVEERRYTTTHING with them because you want to be able to do those firsts with somebody else. (get your mind out of the gutter, people.)

And I can say all that because I know what it feels to be over someone. I mean maybe I am not 100% there but its crazy how far I have come in 29 days.  And honestly I could go through my pictures and do this without feeling nostalgic. I was definitely....much more concerned about picking the pictures that made me look the prettiest....... :) #butIamprettyinallmypictures!

                                               
                                                        

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QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS:

Seriously, How do i make them stop showing up in my "friends" bar on facebook without defriending them.  Why won't I defriend them....because I don't really want to give him the pleasure of knowing that I defriended him and....he is actually pretty well connected to people and I might want to use him one day when this is all over. Hey, a girl's got to eat :)

Day 28: The Real 10s

Day 28: The real 10s

 I hope that I made it apparent that when I say be a 10, I mean be the 10 version of myself. I cannot be Heidi Klum,  Megan Fox, or Britney Spears in her "Oops I did it again" days.  I think for a majority of things, I can control the way I look. I could diet and go to the gym, I can get regular facials, I can get my eyebrows done by professionals, I can laser hair removal unwanted hair, I can wear my retainer to keep my teeth from shifting, I can use white strips to have a sparkling smile, I can wear makeup, etc.  But there will be somethings that I will never be able to control: My height: I am relatively happy with it but of course if I was taller I could have longer legs. The size of my boobs: has always made me insecure about getting felt up because I JUST DONT HAVE ANY!!!. Cellulite I have tried every lotion known to Sephora and even gave up coffee for a couple months, nothing seems to work. My eyelids (they flip up a little) some people compliment me on it but I just think it looks weird and my mom always tell me to push them down.  But despite all these things I think we could all look good and be 10s with a little bit of work.

And if there is ever a time that I could look like a ten. it is definitely when I go out. Put on a ton of makeup, throw on a slutty dress, wear some painful high heels, curl my hair and I can give any bitch a run for her money. Or so I used to back in the day.

                                   

2010: I used to look so good that random men used to ask to take pictures of my friends and me 

2011: Look at how good we look!

Now I just can't go out with the same effort I used to go out with. I am not sure I even like clubs anymore. They are too much work, I am tired super early, and of course heels are a TOTAL BITCH.

2012: This is me recently when I went out....notice that I am wearing crocs.

2012: This is me recently going out. My friend had to buy me a coffee because it was 12 and I was tired. 

2012: This past Saturday. And I new that I was going to try to look good. And believe me, I tried! But when i got to the club (Manor West in SF) I was WAY IN OVER MY HEAD. It was Vegas meets SF meets 49ers. ( if I knew who the 49ers were I would have been impressed by their presence) But F the 49ers. I was in a daze over how good the women looked that were out. I mean they looked so good and made me feel sooo insecure about the way I looked. I should have tried harder. They were  beautiful.......

                                                        

                                                              

This Girl looked a lot better in person. But I think she was having a hard time being drunk and taking this picture. .....understandably

                                                

                                                         

More hot girls....

                                                            

This Girl just looked sooo good that I had to take a picture of her. Now, even if I had the money to pay for boobs like that I wouldn't be able to show them because I have been getting a crazy rash over my chest. #10fail

I was going to tell you in a previous blog but......I also thought I was getting scabies, so I didnt want to announce to the world that I had scabies. Not to worry though......I am scabies free :)

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QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS:

     This weekend was good practice for my Vegas Trip coming up in January. I need to step it up. A 10 in SF- is a 6 in Vegas.....I need to be pushing 12's to be even be in the playing in LV.

  

Day 25: Days when I want to be a 4

Day 25:  Days when I want to be a 4

   Like I said before being a 10 is not about men or the opposite sex, it is about feeling confident and being happy with yourself.  And I said this sometime around Day 1 but as a woman, I don't think there is a lot women can do to get to a place where we won't get hit on. I have heard some of the ugliest people tell me stories about how they get hit on, and I smile and nod but on the inside I think- was the guy blind?!(I know that is really mean....I know.... :/ ) Point is..I have some really ugly days when I get hit on, and it baffles me. Because there are days I try really hard and nothing happens.!!!

 Take 10 minutes ago. I was at Starbucks, doing homework.  There was nothing special about the way I looked.
                                      

                      Just kidding. I am a 10- there is always something special about the way I look.

And when I left- some guy follows me out and hits on me. Of course, because I have no interest in him and I am constantly thinking about my blog- I bust out my camera and take a picture of us.

                         This guy might have a had a chance. (no, no he didn't) until I get this....

                                          

Ya. That is awesome. NOT!'

Why did I give him my number?!?! because guys have been doing this stupid thing where they call you right on the spot and it would be so awkward to give a fake. So why don't I say  No I am not interested! Because I am dumb and because I thought maybe he was prince charming in disguise..No I didnt think that either. Honestly...Its because saying No takes 100x longer than saying yes and moving on and ignoring him. AND THAT Ladies and Gentleman, is the truth!!!!

So, Sometimes I dont want to be a 10. Sometimes I want to go under the radar. Unnoticed. 

No- that is a bunch of BS. If I could be a 10 everyday, effortlessly, with every man in the world groveling at my feet  and every women being completely jealous that they were not me......that would be awesome. Of course, it would be more awesome if I had a phd in biophysiomolecularchemitical engineering and found a new element and had it named after me. The Juliannametometom..Awesome. OR It would be even cooler if on a trip to Iran- President Ahmidenijad fell in  love with me and our marriage united the United States and Iran and I became a present day Ester. And I was the cause of world peace. (one of my fantasies in life-- true story). 

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QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS

Melissa: My dad probably has no idea I have a blog is. He probably actually has no idea what a blog is.  My mom reads it and thinks it's funny. ......but I haven't talked to her about it since I started posting  about sex. Hopefully it is just as awkward for her and she will never bring it up. But I totally agree with you about going back home and how we have to look a certain way when we go back to LA. Although, I definitely let myself get ugly for LA and then get a bunch of stuff done and ome back to SF pretty.  But when I am in LA I have a huge fear of running into Chaminade people- looking like crap....or just running into them in general. 

*My Blog hit over 4000 views!! woot woot!!!

**I have 5 days left I really need to step it up to end with a bang.

Days 23 and 24: Living up to my blog

Days 23 and Day 24: Living up to my blog

  I have said this already, but one of my favorite parts of this blog is that it sprouts conversations with   people I haven't talked to in forever. Middle school friends, HS friends, college friends, etc.  But there is one part that I hadn't taken into consideration though and has been making me really nervous........ seeing these people that I haven't talked to in forever.
   This weekend- I wanted to take a break from SF after the traumatic events of this past week here in the city, so I went to southbay. When I was leaving I realized that I needed to NOT LOOK LIKE SHIT! If I looked bad, my blog and project was going to lose all credibility. People were going to notice and say something!!!
 Surprisingly, no one said anything about the way I look. Instead my 23 year old "sends me pictures of his poo"friend decides to criticize the grammar on my blog! UGH! Listen, it takes me a long time to write these and the last thing I want to do is proofread it. Secondly, you are all smart and know that dont means don't and isnt means isn't and you know where the commas are suppose to go! And for the record "YOU'RE" IS A STUPID WORD AND EVEN STUPIDER SPELLING SINCE WE PRONOUNCE IT YOUR! But he finally shut his face, when I told him that my friends from Harvard and Stanford both commenting on my good writing skills. So take that!

 Back to my point. I saw a bunch of people, I haven't seen since starting the blog and realize that I need to look better. One was  a guy that hasn't seen me in years and thanks to my blog might think that I am better looking than I really am. (People should know that facebook is a lie.  On some level too, my blog is a lie. I take 20 pictures before I post one. And my iphone 4 is better than an iphone 5 because the clarity in the new phones is actually harmful to my image. I really do not need my face to be seen in 8 megapixels. I actually prefer pictures of me to be blurry, its a cheap version of photoshop.
Similarly on facebook, I have gone through my tagged pictures multiple times removing ones that are too embarrassing to keep up.) So when I saw him and my friends, I realized that I really needed to step it up for the sake of my blog, and for my own sense of credibility.

 Also, today I had lunch with a college friend that I haven't spoken to......since college.  But I was about to leave the house when I realized that she read my blog and I was literally a 5 at that moment. I was about to leave the house with no makeup and without brushing my hair. I ended up going late to work to give me time to primp (although I still didn't brush my hair :/) and now that I look back I forgot I wore that sweater that gives me no waist and I said I was going to stop wearing! And my fat vest because it was cold :( Leanna didnt seem to notice...... but one day someone else will, so I need to be ready.

Leanna and me at the Ferry Building for lunch.

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QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS:

To Armando: Giving a number or your information to a girl is chheeeattttiinngggg. It is what cowards do. It takes a real man to be able to ask for a number and get the balls to call later.  Giving a number is throwing the ball in the girls court and waiting for her to make the first move. Men need to step it up.  Also, and this is more a personal issue: I dont have a problem asking a guy on a date. I would actually probably like it, because then I get to go out with someone I like. The problem with that is that I am afraid there will be an expectation that I have to pay on this date that I initiated. FUUUUUUCK THAT.

To Mike: My strategy to look good after a night of heavy drinking is to simply let myself look like crap and tell everyone that I look like shit because of my night of heavy drinking.  1. it gives the impression that I am cooler than I really am because I was out partying last night and 2. it gives an excuse for why I look like shit.  And if I am going to church and don't want people to know that I look like shit because I had my head in the toilet the whole night before I will simply....not go to church.  Duh!

And if none of those things are options for you then just hang out with people that are uglier than you.  (......I am a terrible person)

Day 21 and 22: Young Adult or Old Teenager

Day 21 and 22:
   My roommate recently went to LA, where he met my cousin who could have said anything about me but instead he says: "Isn't Julianna immature?" Now I want to acknowledge two things:
1. In awkward "I dont know you that well, and have nothing to really say to you" situations we all tend to have verbal diarrhea. My cousin may have had that moment.
2. I know I have a tendency to be immature. This is reflective when I whine, throw tantrums, make stupid decisions, ask my parents for money (even though I have a FT adult job) and laugh at farts, burbs, poop, and the word wiener.  I am a 26 year old-18 year old.

This may be because I am the youngest child and have a "youngest child complex" or because I come from immigrant parents who have the "I want to give my children everything I never had" mentality.  or because I am an ex (or not so ex) "fat girl".

I don't have a many pictures of those days but here are some.

Here is me in college (left)- my freshman year. I remember this day. My parents came to visit me and when they saw me they thought I was pregnant, because they couldn't believe I gained so much weight so quickly. Thank you, dining hall food. #freshman25 :(

Sometime post college I decided that I was going to lose weight and I lost 25 lbs, which made a HUGE difference.  But now that I look better, I am trying to make up for the time that I missed being fat. But I am 26, not 18. Ergo- my quarter life crisis: fascination with all things glitter, Justin Bieber, Twilight and now Harry Potter. 

  I wish that is where it stopped, but it doesn't. Even before now, I have always had a thing for younger men. When I was in the 6th grade I liked Michael P, a 4th grader; when I was in the 8th grade I liked Art A. a 6th grader; when I was a senior in college I liked a freshman named Sam S. he was on the school's baseball team. I used to stalk him at all the baseball games and  go to the gym and dining hall religiously in hopes that I would see him. He thought I was the biggest loser in the world because I was a 4th year living on campus. {I lead a Bible study on campus (didn't help my "loser image") and one of the rules was that you couldn't date a freshman- something about "a shepherd eating their sheep" (biblical reference). What they didn't take into account was that by living on campus and hanging out  with Freshman, I would forget that I am not one of them. So I forgot that I was a 4th year, clearly much wiser and important than freshman. But no, I was fascinating by this pot smoking, gym going, baseball playing,  piece of man meat.}

Flash forward 4 years later, and I have fallen into the same trap. I am 26 but I have been hanging out with a bunch of 22-23 year olds. I don't know how this happens....but I just gravitate towards a younger crowd. Maybe its a symptom of my quarter life crisis, maybe its because older people are more stuck up, maybe its because I am afraid of sex and the older people get the more sexually active people are. 

 Even when I was dating NWG, one of the reasons I was so attracted to him was that he looked young. He was 2 years older than me but looked like he was 2 years younger than me. The problem (I realize now) is that he had the maturity of a 40 year old man, but I was too distracted by his boyish good looks to notice that his personality wasn't as "young" as mine. It was especially not helpful because he was 27 going on 40 and I was 26 going on 20. So it was like having a 40 year old date a 20 year old. #fail #ew

So now I see that this is a HUGE PROBLEM in my dating life because I am a Ten and I want to be treated like a Ten.  I want a Real Man who treats me like a Real Woman: who asks for my number, calls instead of texts, buys me a drink, pays for my dinner, opens doors, let me get in and out of the elevator first, gives me the seat on the bus, walks on the "right" side of the street, understands how women operate, does not get overly (and I mean OVERLY) excited by just making out and isn't "done" before it even gets started. But I also want a guy who is fun, outgoing, adventurous, energetic, and has boyish good looks.

But  real men are old :(  And young guys are dumb :(

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QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS:

One of my charming 22 year old friends told me that I was "boy crazy" this week and attributed to the contents of my blog. In response to that I said "what would you like me to talk about? my work. how exciting would that be- to blog about finance." I give the people what they want and honestly thats what I want to give you.  Also, Why is it socially acceptable and common knowledge for people to say that "men think about sex all the time". What if I said that when I think about boys- I am thinking about having sex with them? Does that make it okay for me to be "boy crazy" then?

Day 20: Day 1 of the rest of my life!!!!!

Day 20: Day 1 Of the rest of my life!

   Breaking up with my ex boyfriend this second time around was much easier!  (I know it was just a lunch but humor me, okay).  Actually the saddest part of my day was probably realizing that I wasn't sad anymore, and that I was actually a little hungry. I didn't eat all day yesterday because I felt so sick with sadness. This is VERRRRYYYYY rare. I usually eat in all emotions. I thought maybe, just maybe....I could pull it off and become the comfort starver I have always wanted to be.  Ugh, but it was short lived and I got hungry.  SUCKKKSSS. So I actually tried to channel all my feelings back so that I can feel sick again and continue to not eat. It didn't work. Fortunately, it was a good little catalyst to losing weight. I weighed myself at the gym and lost 4 lbs!  Unfortunately, the color of my pee would like to argue that its all water weight and I am dehydrated. (ew, that is gross. I can't believe I wrote that for everyone to see.)
 
   Something else day 1 has helped me realize is how driven I am by sex. Something hugely HHUUGGEEELLLYY upsetting is that NWG was the closest thing to sex I had. Firstly there is this whole Christian "prude-ity", but even if I throw out the abstinence factor, I am not going to whore myself out to people without a ginormous feeling of security, commitment, and love. And without NWG, I am......that much farther away from sex on the regular :(  FML!  Makes me think that Jesus had a hand in all of this. Ugh, that Jesus is such a cockblock!
Well, realizing and even vocalizing this has been really helpful, because I need to realize that I don't really like him, I just want to have sex.  (ugh, maybe I shouldn't have told my mom she could read my blog.)(Hi, Mommy!)

Well....now that we are all uncomfortable:

Today: I caught up on the sleep I missed the day before; wore heels and jeans; was running late so I ran to the train in heels! (like a boss!); didn't have time to put makeup on in the morning, so I took my makeup bag to work with me! (look at that commitment!); I said No to the bagels at work; and went to the gym instead of happy hour!

      And I was so excited about my self control and determination today that I told my knee that it better shut the fuck up and let me run without hurting. When I was in HS I got in a car accident and they put screws in my knee and it hasn't been the same. But today I said "No more, Knee. I own you. You don't own me!"  So I  got on that treadmill and ran a mile .....and then limped the next .25 miles. Damnit, knee. You win this time!

                         

I just realize that I am taking pictures next to the trashcans.  #picturefail

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QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS:

 My blog hit over 3000 views! You guys rock! Thanks for supporting me.

Also, I am not sure where the 3000 come from, but why does no one ever leave me questions to answer! I have been making up a lot of questions to put here, making it look like people ask questions....ask some questions or say something damnit. Lets make the blog interactive!

Day 19: Nothing to do with looking good. (warning: not a funny blog post)

Day 19: Nothing to do with looking good. (warning: not a funny blog post)

 I wish I could say that the bounce back from losing my mojo had me at a 10 today but it didnt. Instead I was a 2. I was in 2 in looks, a 2 in personality, a 2 in job performance (true story, I accidentally almost wired $30K to the wrong destination!) woops.

 So last night after submitting my post- a friend said "you saw NWG? but I thought he was dating that girl." According to fbook it looks like he is dating someone.  I hadn't looked at his fb in a loooonngg time, partly because it was unhelpful and partly because I am a self absorbed facebooker- and spend most of my time looking at myself.  :) But she said that only 2 weeks ago he had taken a picture with this girl, a girl it looked like he had been dating for a while. I had thought they broke up a while ago because he had actually been direct messaging me on twitter with flirtatious comments for a bout a month.....(while he was dating her apparently).

So I  sent him a message last night asking if he was still dating her:  and he never responded. And the crazy started to bubble up.......
You are probably thinking-- big deal, you went to lunch and he texted you......it doesnt mean anything.

 Let me put this in context for you.
 He didnt just text me this weekend and his original plan was not for us to go to lunch. This was his original plan.

and then this.....

And ya- it seems like a booty call and like he is using me, but there is also a lot of this...

How could I not fall in love with him all over again. He was sweet, had great communication skills (even though they were in stupid text messages), he was being affectionate, and aggressive. 

I know we are all thinking....I cannot believe you are posting this online for everyone to see.  He did  used to hate when i showed anything he sent me to someone else and now I am showing all of you.

And this is why......

I woke up after 3 hours of sleep to more anxiety about the answer to this question. And naturally he responds by yelling at me for making him go over on texts. Sidenote: this guy works for google, makes 6 figures, just got promoted at work, and the guy cannot get unlimited text.  I wish there was a roll my eyes icon  And what do I get:

                                                   

(Ignore the "It's my voice num")

                                                   

WTF Just happened?! OMG.

He texted me because the girl he was dating hasn't talked to him in a while, his friends got engaged, his brother just got married,  his roommate is in a happy relationship, and he is having a midlife crisis because he is balding,............. awesome. Way to shit on me in the process.

It is times like these that I am grateful that I have a blog, and I have on average 250 loyal readers. Which means that is 250 people that can text his phone number and blow it up so that it gets more  text messages: and charges him. But I have removed the phone number because a day later I am over it, plus I dont know if there is any legal issues involved in putting up someones phone number. Boo, Can't let the government hold me down!.....but I just did.

So how did I do today? 

I was a mess.  On the upside: I was so sad that I didn't eat. Unfortunately, I know that this will be short lived and I will go back to eating tomorrow.  Ugh, why can't just be a comfort starver!

Also, I was a mess until I decided that I would make this into a blog post. Damn, I love this blog. I love this blog! I love this blog!!!!!!

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I  did warn everyone already that I have crazy tendencies. And maybe this is taking it a little too far, but, I also need people to see that there is a reason that I went to lunch on Sunday. There is a reason that even after a year I am still talking to him. 

Oh well,  glad that you guys got to share in this moment with me. 

Promise the blogs will go back to fun and funny tomorrow. 

Just wanted to keep you up to speed on what is happening...... <3

Days 16-18: Hump Day: Letting Myself Go

Days 16-18: Hump Day: Letting Myself Go

  People have been pointing out that I am slacking on my blog. I have been updating days instead of daily.  I could probably lie and say its because I am busy but that is not true.....The truth is that I am losing my mojo.
 I was doing great. Feeling good. Looking good.  Loving myself.
Actually during the weekend I thought I would write a post about how much I love myself. How this project has helped me get rid of any ex-bf feeling residual and men in general because I have started loving myself so much: feeling like I am the shit and I can do anything! I was on top of the world!!!

Ugh but then it happened.......IIIITTTTTT HAPPPEENNNNEEDDDDDD.
...............I dont even want to say it out loud, out of fear that he might hear me..............


I was out with friends looking good, having fun, enjoying myself, being the f-ing 10 that I am!...... and then.....Ugh.
 NWG texted me. UGGGHHHHHHHH. ALLLLL that work that I put into my project and my life, went down the fucking toilet.  JJJEESSSUUUSSS,, WHYYY!??!?!?!??!?!! *(reference to the questions and comments at the end of Days 13-15)

And I went from this.....

to this......

                    
Eating away my problems.....regressing into a the depths of despair.
Ok that is not true....honestly it was just probably all the alcohol I drank that made chicken wings look so delicious.....and after those 2000 calorie chicken wings, I have been living like there is no hope for me.

Well....except on Sunday when I had lunch with NWG. ( I know! why did I have lunch with him! ) After that I felt like I was back at month 1.....no. maybe month 6 of post breakup. And I was so disappointed in myself that I felt unworthy to be a 10.... I felt unworthy to be doing this project and having a blog following who supports me and encourages me daily.

So I started looking like a 4 on purpose:

I gave up on my outfit, didn't wear makeup, wore crocs, and put on my fat-days vest.

I rebelled against the project and myself. And since he very vaguely suggested that we see each other this weekend, I knew that what "post 6 month breakup Julianna" would have done is spend the next week preparing for the "date". The date that was never confirmed. The date that most likely won't happen. My preparation would usually involve: eating ONLY fruits and vegetables (to maximize my weight loss), drinking a shit ton of water (to ensure that I had clear skin for the date,  and exfoliating the shit out of my body (just in case he touched any part of it).

But after last night when I chose to wear my period underwear when I wasn't on my period,   had three new pimples on my chin and had eaten whole bag of the Grandma Iced Oatmeal cookies for dinner, I knew it was time to stop the slump and get my shit together.

So I took a shower even though I had already taken one. I washed my hair, exfoliated the shit out of my body, lotioned everything,  put pimple cream on my face, wore my sluttiest underwear, and resolved to finish my 30 days strong!

I also said yes to plans for this weekend because I am not going to sit around and wait for him to realize that I am the best thing that could happen to his weekend. So while he is sitting at home masturbating to google.com (where he works and my biggest competition for his attention), I am going to be out looking like a 10!

So this was me today: 

Crocs or no crocs, I am hot. 

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Questions and comments

  

     Earlier this week I received  a comment off of my post "In Defense of the Crazy" that said that I should go on a dating fast and use this time to 

work on my relationship with Jesus. My response to that:

1. I have gone on dating fasts twice in my life and even fasted from having friendships with men for a while. They were both the STUPIDEST THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE. If I could go back in time I would hit my Intervarsity staff for encouraging me to do this. And I want to hit myself for telling students to do this while I was on staff. Because I fasted from dating so long, I have now become a dating whore, trying to make up for lost time. And since I only really started dating when I was 24, I missed pivotal maturing opportunities through relationships. Also, having inter-gender relationships is highly HIGHLY necessary to be a well rounded individual, and understand the opposite sex. 

2.  If you start an email with I have only talked to you once and/or haven't talked to you in a long time then it is probably not a good idea to use a blog as a gauge on how someone's relationship with Jesus is doing. But thanks for your concern.

Days 13-15: In Defense of the Crazy

Days 13-15: In Defense of the Crazy

  There is nothing more unattractive than someone that is crazy. And I am not talking about the diagnosed clinically crazy....I am talking about a slash your tires; post inappropriate comments on fbook walls;  yell at you for not texting; yell at you for not remembering bdays or anniversaries; post hot pictures of yourself to make someone jealous; have DTRs on the first date; repeatedly call or message your your ex/crush even though they dont give you the time of day; delete someone's number only to memorize it; and put their email/number into a telemarketer database -CRAZY!
 I fortunately don't fall under all of those......I only fall under 7/8 of them, but that is only because I don't know where his car is and never have a knife with me when I see it. I have also considered the fact that this is illegal but after speaking with a police officer found out it is only a misdemeanor and with the consequences of a fine......if you get caught.... :)   (WELL WORTH THE MONEY!)

Hello, I am Julianna and I am crazy.

I am aware of my crazy antics when I do them. Sometimes I do them on purpose and sometimes I have outer body experiences where my mind says "stop doing this" but I keep doing it, and then sometimes I have absolutely no idea I am doing it until I look back and can't believe what I did.

ON PURPOSE CRAZY:
Recently, I was dating someone and got bored so I wanted to start drama. I sent them a text message asking how many people he had slept with since he met me. He responded with "You are crazy for asking that question". I resent the question and he said "you are not allowed to ask that question, since we are not sleeping together." Normal person would get mad at the vagueness of his response. I was mad because I found even fighting with him boring, so I never responded and stopped talking to him all together.

SEMI SUBCONSCIOUSLY CRAZY:
I recently went on a date with someone I met on match.com. He was probably my favorite person I "dated" (it was 2 dates, can't really be categorized as "dating"). He loved Jesus, he was cute, he was into issues of social justice, he was kinda weird,.....I really felt like he was pppoootteeennttiaalll. So what did I do, In my mind I blew up our "date" into a "relationship". He went a couple days without calling after date 1 so when he did email me I yelled at him.  And when he didn't ask for another date after that I asked him out on one, and then I proceeded to have a DTR with him on the date. But since I was conscious that I was being crazy, I was almost hyperventilating while doing it.....but I couldn't get out of the verbal vomit that was pouring out of my mouth.  I may have emailed or texted him after this but he never really responded to me and when he would, it would take a really long time to respond....which created a lot more inward and outward craziness. Finally I coyley asked him out on facebook thinking the public-ness of it might downplay my feelings. Nope- it just gave him a reason to blatantly and publicly IGNORE ME! ugh!
I have henceforth decided that I am no longer fit to date and have put myself on a dating time-out.

JUST PLAIN CRAZY:
My family, friends, and ex bf would attest to the fact that I can be a little emotional and overly dramatic.  ....causing me to do crazy things; I moved to LA for a year, when I was having a quarter life crisis; I emailed, texted, or invited my ex boyfriend to do things with me when we were broken up and not dating anymore. And I would continue to do this even if when he kept saying No.  The facts said he wasn't interested, but I was determined to prove the facts wrong;  on a positive because I was determined to come to SF to be around him- I ended up applying to grad school which is how I am in grad school/ SF now;

There might be no defense that can makeup for what I have said and done. And I agree----its crazy. But I am not alone. I have seen countless women become "crazy" and surprisingly I have seen plenty of men go "crazy" too.  Because I know what it is like to be crazy- when I am a cause or the receiver of craziness, I find it completely flattering. It means that you have the power to drive someone crazy.

While I am self deprecating and generalizing "women", I also must generalize men. True: Women are crazy  but men are  stupid. Men,  it is easy to make women non-crazy: DONT BE STUPID.

What lead me to be crazy with #2 was that while I saw potential in him, I also saw hints of "stupidity". And since my ex bf became stupid in the later half of our relationship- I was scared that #2 was going to become stupid too. I didn't want to deal with it, so I tried to prevent it or "control it". Bad Strategy.

My fear of stupid men has not only categorized me as "Crazy" but also "BITCH", (which is interestingly enough- really attractive to men.) Yep, I know men have met the "BITCH". They girl they meet somewhere who gives the cold shoulder,  insults them, yells at them, or uses them. It is only because of the assholes that women have met, and if you do anything to remind them of said "asshole" then we/I will go "Bitch" on you.

This is my favorite diagram which I think accurately and beautifully reflects what I mean.

This conversation is not over.....I just don't want to give all my secrets away in one post.

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Questions and comments:

   I have finally started practicing being sane. My sanity has allowed me to keep it together, and create space between me and the recipients of my craziness.  As a result, some ex-recipients of my craziness have recently gone crazy on me.....Hooyah! I win!

Day 12: Do I have something in my teeth? " The Check-Up"

Day 12: Do I have something in my teeth? "The check up"

 
  I am not sure what to call it but when I say the "Check up" I am referring to the break that you take from whatever you are doing to "check up" on yourself. To make sure you don't have something in your teeth, your outfit hasn't gone sideways, you dont have any boogers hanging out of anywhere, your armpits don't smell like hamburger, etc.

When I was in middle school and high school I was an avid- check-uper. I used to have code phrases or hand gestures with my friends that meant "do I have a booger?" or "do I look okay?". Even now in my old age mostly everytime I go out there is a conversation that go something like this.

me: OMG I am so fat in this dress. Ok. if you see anything hanging out- you need to tell me.
friend: I am not just going to say it. we need a code for this....
me: Ok if you say  (insert really bad indiscrete question) that means "suck it in, bitch".

Good for going out, but somehow in my day to day. I forget to check up on myself. I can go all day without going to the bathroom and I can easily leave the house without looking at myself in the mirror. (this was actually more the case before this project).  But even now, despite the fact that I am looking aammmaazziinnngg, I should still be checking in....

For the past couple days I have been planning on updating my passport, which means I need a new passport picture. (Thank God, because my old passport picture is hoorrirrrrblllyyy ugly).
Because my passport is horribly ugly, I am super anal about the picture I am goign to take for my next passport. I went to walgreens yesterday and I made the lady take at least 8 pictures of me, and i wasn't happy with any of them:

Those 4 corners are me....if you scroll down you will see more of me.

Since I didnt like any of them. I decided I would try harder today to look good and went back. I put on a ton more makeup then I usually do. It was also a double wammy because I was suppose to give a presentation in class, and because i am a bad presenter I thought I could compensate by looking hott. (for the record. This is awful logic and didn't really help my presentation.)
So I went back to walgreens today and I made her take a ton more pictures, and then I asked strangers for there opinion. They picked this one:

They better have made a good choice because passports take forever to expire and I dont want to be stuck with an ugly one for the rest of my life!!!!!

My current one has scarred me. It might be one of the reasons I dont travel that much because I am embarrassed to take it out. 

So i was looking nice. Makeup looking good. Feeling good about myself.  And I go to the bathroom, and look at myself and think hey not bad, I look good:

But wait....what is this?!?!?!!

FML. My oily ass face is causing my makeup to run and get all over the place.

How long have I been walking around like this? and who let me?!?!! ugh. I hate people.

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Questions and comments:

 Because we are all amongst friends now. Here is my current passport picture.

I know.....I look like a boy.